Tuglas Nathaniel Peters: Fur Trader

Online only applications will be considered.
The City of Whitehall is seeking an experienced and highly motivated, professional responsible for maintaining Animal Control and Code Enforcement in accordance with City ordinances, applicable state laws and departmental rules and regulations. Work includes patrolling City streets, locating and capturing stray animals, the pickup and disposal of dead animals, and enforcing City Codes as they relate to environmental health. Employee will be responsible for issuing notices, writing citations, and testifying in court. This position requires a willingness to work irregular hours, including weekends and holidays as necessary.
Qualifications Include:
High School diploma or GED
A minimum of one to two years progressively responsible related animal control experience or any combo of education, training and experience which provides the required knowledge, skills & abilities to perform essential functions of the job
Valid OH Driver's License
ODNR License to Trap (must obtain within first 3 months of employment)
Specialized training (i.e. certified euthanasia tech, certified in chemical capture, NACA certification, etc.) strongly preferred
The position is unclassified and considered an “at-will” position appointed by the Director of Public Service.
For a complete job description and to apply please visit *************. Online only applications will be considered.
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Dear Craig

I am writing regarding employment in the position of an Animal Control officer. My name is Tuglas Nathaniel Peters, and I am from the esteemed Province of Alberta in the great white Canadian North. I hold a valid temporary work permit in the United States, as well as two library cards in Michigan. I have received a Canadian note of educational adequacy which would be the equivalent to your GED or a home school diploma. I am fluent in the Northern Albertan French dialect, as well as Saskatchewan Indian, and I have a working knowledge of English. I hold numerous awards and accommodations from the Canadian Fur Traders Alliance for both lethal and nonlethal trapping contests and events. I received the coveted Beaver-man of the Year Award in 2006, 2007, and 2010. I have assisted the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in several manhunts for wanted poachers and unlicensed trappers, and I am hopeful should I gain employment with the fine City of Whitehall that my services may be rendered to local law enforcement for the hunt of man as well. Many of my trapping techniques I acquired under the mentorship of the Saskatchewan Nation Indian tribe, under direct supervision of my father-in-law John Redcorn. This is where I met and wed my bride Julie Redcorn who is a foremost expert in Saskatchewan folklore and the cryptozooilogical study of Sasquatch. Her expertise in this study has made her an excellent asset in trapping both beast and man. I have yet to research your marriage laws, but I am assuming that as a progressive nation, the United States does allow the marriage of natives. I am familiar with both humane and barbaric trapping techniques, and can work in either median, however I am an old school believer that "barbaric is better." I hold several trapping licences that should transfer to your jurisdiction. I do have a few questions regarding this position and your policies. What is your policy regarding the disposal of roadkill? Should I find a viable pelt, would your policy allow me to retain said pelt for bartering? How does your department stand on the issue of immediate euthanizing? That is to say, should I deem a homeowner unfit to care for a pet, does your policy allow for the disposal of said pet on the premises or will that pet need to be transported to another locale for termination? What would you approximate the number of male badgers in your locale? Will I receive a paid lunch? And should I receive a paid lunch, would I be allowed to spend said lunch hunting coyotes for personal gain? Are there many remaining members of the Shawnee Nation in your area? Does your dress policy contraindicate the use of furs? Do you offer a 401k or a pelt matching bartering system? I have taken the liberty to attach a photo of myself and some of my more formidable trappings. Thank you for your consideration and as we say in Alberta "May your saplings be Maples."

Cheers
Tuglas

Doggone Dog on Dog

I train dogs for all things. I have several dogs that can do many different tricks. several different breeds with unique looks.
Do you need a canine for your next film. If I don't already have what you are looking for I can get it
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Dear Craig

I came across your ad and I feel as though you might be just the individual to assist me. I am not making a film, but I am in need of a dog trainer, and I will pay handsomely for your help in an elaborate hoax that I am enacting on my roommate Lenny. For the past 2 years I have been setting the stage for Lenny's dog Carmine to be outed as a homosexual. I dress Carmine in pink bandannas, I make comments regarding the way he chews his bones, I suggest he play with poodles at the dog park, etc. All of which has made Lenny very suspicious and apprehensive that my allegations maybe true. Now that I have Lenny concerned and suspicious about the sexual orientation of Carmine, I feel it's time we take this prank to the next level, and that's where you come in. I am interested in paying you to train Carmine to grind and gyrate on other male dogs. This may require the training of an additional dog who must learn to tolerate Carmine's gyrations. Please understand that due to moral and possible legal issues, I am not suggesting that the two dogs actually copulate, I am merely concerned with them preforming actions that will be perceived as copulation. Before you make your decision, please realize that I am 100% sincere, and I understand that your compensation will most likely come at an inflated price due to the nature of this training. To better understand my motivation, I will tell you that Lenny and myself have spent years tirelessly enacting pranks on one another, and my hand has been super glued to 2 different sets of genitals in the past year. This prank is extremely important to me. Please help.


Your Friend
Tug

Preggos 90x

Today's mothers-to-be know that exercise and yoga during pregnancy will strengthen the muscles used during labor and delivery, help improve your current fitness level, and prepare you to handle the demanding world of motherhood. Being active during your pregnancy also helps you to return to your pre-pregnancy fitness level faster. The trainers at Body Engineering are dedicated to helping you to enjoy every minute of your pregnancy and helping you to have a shorter labor and delivery.
We offer one-on-one personal training and small group training as well as pre-natal yoga and Pilates. Classes are starting soon, and we can start classes especially for you and your friends.
All of our services are appropriate for any stage of pregnancy and no prior exercise experience is required. Training and classes are held in Birmingham, Royal Oak and Bloomfield.
For more information, please see our website at http://www.********.com/ and follow us on Facebook and Twitter. We also offer post-natal exercise, yoga and Pilates classes.
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Dear Craig

I am writing in regards to you fitness regime for mothers-to-be, my wife is expecting and I am anxious to get her started on some sort of diet/exercise program before things start getting weird. I have a few questions and concerns that I am looking to clarify before I break the news to her regarding what I will be expecting of her physically. Is this program strictly voluntary or can someone be cohersed, or possibly forced into a fitness program if their husband deems it necessary for their own well being? What if any types of exercises do you utilize to prevent women from getting "Pooch Belly"? Will your program guarntee a reduction of stretch marks and that weird brown line some women get below their belly button during pregnancy? How much of a role does the father play in your program? That is to say, will I strictly be providing her transportation, or will I be expected to attend classes and provide verbal motivation and disciplinary action? Is there a money back policy? What types of food can I allow her to eat? Should I prohibit her from making contact with family/the-outside-world during the duration of her training? Can you guarantee that she will not become stronger than me? What type of special stretchy pants are required? Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear back from you soon.

Thanks
Tug

the Camera

Like new. Rarely used. Includes flash and camera bag

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Dear Craig

I am looking to get a camera for my girlfriend, she is really into photography, but I don't know much about cameras. I just have a few questions. Does this camera take panaromic shots? How much is a film cartridge for this model? Is it poular with young girls who take artistic photos of the human form?

Thanks
Tug
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Honestly, I used it so seldom, I don't know if it takes panoramic shots.  It uses regualr 35 mm film that you can buy anywhere.  Here are some websites with more information including user reviews and sample photos taken with the camera.
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Craig

I understand that you cannot be expected to know every facet and detail of this camera, but I do have a few more questions, so please just bare with me, and if you cannot answer I fully understand. Does this camera take black and white photos? Can this model take digital photos? Is there a night vision setting? Can you use this camera fo short digital videos? is therwe a stop animation setting? how many people have owned this camera? Is there a warranty? Is black the only available color option? What is the best setting and lens choice for animal portraits? Has this camera ever been used for crime scene investigation? Do you know of anywhere that allows out door nude photo shoots? Will my girlfriend like this camera? How do you know that? Can you prove it? She is from the Ukraine, we met online, how can you pretend to know the first thing about our relationship? Where can I pick up the camera?

Tug

Crouching Tug, Flying Peters

Volunteer needed in a Martial Arts School
Volunteer needed in weekday evenings 4 - 8 pm and Saturday mornings 10-11:30.
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Dear Craig

I am writing in regards to your post for a skilled Martial Artist. I have a few questions regarding this position. What is the age and skill level of your pupils? What disciplines of Martial Arts do you teach at your facility? How much emphasis do you put on Bow Staff training? Are there any refreshments that do not have peanuts or peanut oils in them? Will I receive a per diem? I have a very open schedule, and I hope to help in anyway possible.

Thanks
Tug
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Hi,

I am not looking for a skilled Martial Artist, I am looking for somebody to help with the front desk.
What is the age and skill level of your pupils? 3 and up
What disciplines of Martial Arts do you teach at your facility? Ju-Jutsu, MMA, Karate Kung-Fu and Kendo/Iaido
How much emphasis do you put on Bow Staff training? Little
Are there any refreshments that do not have peanuts or peanut oils in them? No

Thanks,

Kimly
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Craig

When you say that you need "help with the front desk" does this refer to security detail? I have several years experience with security detail, and this also brings us back around to the Bow Staff training and the importance of such said skill. I am a firm believer that any security detail officer should be skilled and extensively trained in not only Bow Staff, but also pressure point tactics and knock out potions. I am familiar with all of the disciplines that you speak of, however I feel that Kendo/Iaido is for the weak of spirit and should I decide to co-instruct with you, I would suggest we table that discipline in exchange for Akido. I will bring my own non-peanut oil refreshments, however please do not expect me to bring enough to share, besides I cook with high amounts of MSG, and that is not safe for children. I, however, have spent a lifetime increasing my MSG intake levels so that I can never be secretly poisoned by my girlfriend Sheila. Please feel free to contact me with more details, as well as a fair and just salary/benfits offer.

Tug
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Hi,

This is a non paid volunteer, you will answer phone, take payment and check in students and keep the facility nice and clean.

Thanks,

Kimly
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Craig

Two things about Tug Peters: Tug doesn't eat peanuts or peanut oils, I'm allergic, that's just a fact of life not a weakness, and two, Tug doesn't answer phones, that's lady stuff. So domo but no domo.

Tug

btw in 1984 I broke two guys noses in one week, you ever do that?

Overeating

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has any old Overeaters Anonymous literature or books or workbooks that they might want to get rid of... If not actual OA material, any NA or AA material will suffice... I am starting to attend meetings and would like any help I can get... Thank you!
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Craig

Here's that literature you wanted...Good Luck

Tug