Noculars

Binoculars found in Jacksonville. Please reply with a description of the item and date and area they were lost.

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Dear Craig

I am in the Jacksonville area, and I used to have a really totally sweet set of noculars but I left them some place far away, I wanted to use some sort of device that magnifies my sight so I could look far away and find my binoculars, but then I realized that the only device I owned that was designed for looking at things that are far away is my binoculars. Hopefully the noculars you have are mine. I like your style, the way you don't give any hints as to what kind of noculars they are or where they came from, that way nobody can trick you into just getting a free set of nocs. However I don't know where I lost my nocs, if I did I would just go back and get them. I can give you a brief description, however, these binnies are black or dark greyish, in some lights they look brown or blue or even dark green/camoflauge, they consist of two tapered cylinders that are hinged together and have glass on both ends, also there's a small dial in the middle that adjusts the focus. Please contact me as soon as possible, as a new family has just moved in next door and they haven't had a chance to put up drapes yet.

I see you
Tug

Keep the Damn Cat

This kitten is about 1 yr old, showed up at my house about a month ago and so far no signs have been posted in my area for a lost Siamese cat...lovable and friendly stays on my front porch day and night.
I can't afford to take care of it, I love cats but have a house full already...please someone help me with this kittie.I will let him go to a good family if the owner does not show interest soon...if you'd like to be the new owner let me know.

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Dear Craig

Yeh I know that cat, but I don't want him...just keep him. You can call him whatever you want, but I used to call Benjamin Buttholes. It was an appropriate name because he is a total butthole. That cat was always causing me grief and drinking my vodka, so I say good riddance to him. I understand that you already have a bunch of other cats, but that's not my problem, just figure something out. Give him away or just give him a bottle of vodka and watch him slowly destroy his little kitty liver. I've attached a photo of him drinking my vodka so you can see for yourself what kind of a monster he is. Please do not attempt to return Benjamin Buttholes to me, I hate him and he knows it. Please do, however, reply and let me know that he won't be coming home so I can stop putting out plates of poisoned milk.

Tug

West Virginian Seeking Butts to Wipe

Charleston WV

Im a 38yr old male I have 1o yrs exp. working with physical and mentally handicapped will work days night weekends ect $15hr

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Craig

I am searching for someone to help in caring for my one legged retard. He needs round the clock care and I'm getting pretty sick of it, so I just need someone to come over during the days and allow myself a little time in my beat lab. Sometimes I might need to get out on the weekends too, so I don't kill myself or the retard, how much extra will that be?

Please hurry

Tug
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(This guy gets pretty vulgar here)

Well its easy to see your dad is the retard you speak of. Id say your mother should have swallowed you and the world wouldnt have to deal with ignorant juvenile people like you on the bright side im glad you like to spend you time tugging it thats a relief id hate to think any woman would give you the chance to recreate I would be glad to take the job watching your dad  let me know where I can meet you for our interview I would be happy to do the work you need done for free Im sure you cant afford to pay for any type of health care provider considering how high the payments are on your trailer and how little you make off the state check you get. Now quit maturbating to the pics of your sister and get out and mow the lawn and take out the trash before your moms boyfriends  come over she only makes $1 a head and you wouldnt want to mess up her income.
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Craig

I must say that I found your resume to be vulgar and lacking in any coherent thought. You did a very poor job of listing any kind of work experience, or documenting any solid references other than my mom and sister. Additionally, you should think about puncuation in future correspondense. I found a number of run on sentences, and it was difficult to find cohesion. You may want to use my letter as a template. That being said, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this discussion.
Your assumption of the one legged retard being my father is in fact wrong, its just some random retard. My dad is awesome guy that works on Robbie Knievel's stunt coordination team, he factors trajectories and works with pyrotechnics all day. Your statement that "my mother should have swallowed me" is inherently flawed and shows that you have no concept of sexual education (ie: the sperm fertilizes an egg) Do you even know what a zygote is? Your statement of me "tugging it all day" is another example of your poor deduction skills. If you are referring to my beat lab, then you sir are "ignorant and juvenile", because a beat lab is where I construct beautiful melodies using both acoustic and engineered drum beats. In addition, there is no need to provide your services for free, I know that it must be difficult as a 38 year old babysitter to get by on a salary that is generally intended for teenage girls. However should I employ, I will have to ask that you avoid all inappropriate contact and lustful glances at both myself and my retard, this will probably be a deal breaker for you as I'm sure this job is just a rouse for your alterior motive of molesting invalids. If you do feel you can muster the self restraint not to rape my retard then I would more than happy to give you that interview you requested. I'm going to be hanging out at the Sonic Drive-In in Barboursville just off Midland Trail all afternoon sipping on Cherry-Lime Aid and slamming some tater tots while my while my girl Linda works the rush hour shift. I'll bring my retard and you can practice wiping his butt. Peace out.

Your intellectual, physical, and emotional superior
Tug

The Forcefield Shield

Jackson MS

The Mississippi Mandalorians is the largest Star Wars based sci-fi club in the south. We do so much in the Jackson area. Many may have seen us or heard of us. Check us out at mandaloriansmsd.com and come join in on the fun. We have cookouts, Light the Night, movie nights, haunted house in Oct, Boo at the Zoo, and Christmas parade just to name a few of the activities we got goin on next few months.
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Dear Craig

Oh man I am so happy to have found ya'll on the world wide intrawebs. I have been searching for like minded sci-fi folk here in the south. It would be so nice to hear fellow fans say Chewbaca, instead of Chewbaca like they do out west. How do you say Chewbaca? I'd imagine it sounds like this, Chewbaca. I am really interested in joining in some of your activities. Ya'll have sooooo many activities, I can't believe all the activities that ya'll do. I love cook outs, I call them wook outs, like short for wookies. maybe we can have one at my place and call it a wook out. When is ya'll's next event? I'm excited that maybe there will be a girl there...do ya'll make the girls dress up in Princess Leia slave costumes? I will when I'm the Sith Lord..LOL. Anywho....let me know about hosting that "wook out"

The Force is strong in this one
Tug
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Well come on and join the site then. By far the best choice in Mississippi for anything Star Wars.

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Craig

I was just on your intrawebs site trying to sign up, but i couldn't. I think there might be some kind of force field or shield blocking my computer from making contact with you. I think I might need to use a code cracking devise to gain entry. Anywho, I got so mad at my computer that I smashed it with my battle axe, I'm sending you this email from the library. While I'm here at the library I'm going to look for a book on cracking codes and force field shields, also I was going to see if they have any old nudey mags on fish film. Before I decided to write you I was looking at naked women on the intrawebs, I really get a kick out of naked women. Aywho the librarian is trying to kick me off this computer for doing that, so I've gotta run. I'll see you at the Bantha Roast on the 25th. Gotta go she's getting a man to help her now, he's not very big, but he looks wirey and spry.

I'ma get mine, or Jedi trying
Tug

Tug Gets Called Out

Roanoke VA

Women's 26" Cruiser Bike. Barely Used. Helmet Included.
Asking $125/OBO
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 Dear Craig

I am inquiring about your 26" Women's cruiser. I just have a few quick questions. What is the weight compasity for this model? Does this particular bike have a self oiling chain? What's the number of links on that chain? How hard is it to purchase after market products for this model? Has it ever been involved in any type of collision? What's that seat smell like?

Your friend
Tug
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Hi Tug,

Before you put this on your blog please be sure to spell capacity correctly (not compasity).
Your Friend
Pull
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Twoshay my friend, however the use of the wrong word was intentional.

Respectfully
Tug
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Haha...I figured. By the way, your blog is hilarious! Have a good one!