The Time Traveling Alchemist

We are currently recruiting for an experienced Welder for a busy, well-established
Springfield, OH Manufacturer.

REQUIREMENTS:
Minimum 3-5 Years on job Welding Experience.
Blueprint reading.
Ability to read instructions from shop packet.
Interpret Weld Symbols
Read Measuring Tape.
Use lift trucks and overhead hoist (will train).
Use Power & Air Tools.
Experience Welding low pressure vessels helpful.
Responsible for doing own set-ups and material handling.
Pass welding test.
High School Diploma or GED.
Safety Shoes/boots & Safety Glasses MUST be worn at all times.
40 Hour work week w/ Overtime as needed.
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Dear Craig

I am writing you to inquire as to the employment opening that you have transcribed on the intraweb site Craigslist. This letter shall serve as both my resume and my letter of intent for said position as an experienced Welder, although I myself am not an experienced Welder, I do still plead with you, Sir, that you will take the time to read my plea and afterward deliberate as to the validity of my concerns, and then I pray that you will take sympathy and show compassion and understanding in my time of distress.
Though I am not a Welder, Sir, I do have a great many skill, that both in labor and that of knowledge and critical thinking. I beg you, Sir, what I am about to divulge in these next few lines, though ludacris as one may find it, is surely and verily the honest truth. I, Sir, am a wayward time traveler. I have been cast through time and space by a sorcerer's enchantment, and though I do possess the skills of magic and science, my attempts to return to my own time have been fruitless and futile. I have succomed to the realization that I most likely shall never return to my time and my Kingdom. I plead, Sir, that I may find myself gainfully employed under your command and in turn I may find compensation through the means of food and shelter. As previously stated, I do possess skills of magic and science, in my time I served the King as his foremost alchemist, studing various metals and attempting to create gold from these less precious stones. I believe that my skills, as such, may very well lend themselves to the trade of a Welder. Please, Sir, take pity in your soul and find yourself swayed by my plight. I do also possess Safety boots and glasses.

Good Tidings
Tug