Pug Uglies

(Posted to Craigslist by Tug Peters)

I got a fresh litter of St Bernard pups sired by Satan's Lil Helper, the bitch is Captain Ferrari's Momma Duke, litter born on Christmas day. Papers are all in order. Pups should be weened by friday. Good stock, gonna be monsters. Will trade for paintball guns, army surplus items, knives, homemade butter and ice cream, dirtbikes. respond by email...these pups won't last...

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The pics look like pugs. Do you have the wrong doggies?
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Dear Craig

These pups are most certainly St Bernards, didn't you read the part about them having their papers in order? Please take a moment to read and review the follow excerpts from the Wikipede:

The St. Bernard is a very large breed of working dog from the Italian and Swiss Alps, originally bred for rescue. The breed has become famous through tales of alpine rescues, as well as for its large size.

The pug is a "toy" (very small) breed of dog with a wrinkly, short-muzzled face, and curled tail. Pug puppies are often called puglet

These pups are big Swiss Italiano rescue workers not TOYS!!!! You don't know nothing.
So do you have any paintball guns to trade or what?
I've attached more photos.

PS I know it was you that flagged me....you broke my heart Craig

Tug

Hampster Balls

Used hamster ball. So your hamster can safely run around a room .
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Dear Craig

How much you want for them Hampster Balls? You looking for trades? I got some old kitchen cabinets, a suzuki 4 wheeler (runs/no title), or 2 cases home-canned green beans. Can these Hapster Balls compasitate gerbils or guinnea pigs as well? What color? How many batteries they got?

Thanks friend
Tug

But then I got High...

HIGH TIMES MAGAZINES;
1975 to 1980 all in mint condition
Interveiw with;
Andy Warhol about Campbell's Soup
Paper Dolls & The Death Of Art
Interveiw with;
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson on;
Jimmy Carters Cocaine @ Gonzo Journalism
Interveiw with;
Blondie The Marilyn Monroe of Punk Rock
plus many more stories to many to list
my printer is down right now but i can send pics or text pics for you
to find out more give us a call today at
(***)***-****
THANKS
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Dear Craig

How's it, Bro? I found your post about the High Times mags today and then I found your post so I thought about are these magazines in mint condish? I have been an avid collector of High Times for almost of the time and I really like High Times magazine I've collected it for years. Could you tell me which issue numbers,months, how many magazines, title, issues, editions, months, maker, model or vin number for the Econoline. How many miles to the gallon? Is there a bench seat or captains chairs? Will you take trades? Do you have the title, is it a salvage title? What is the title for the article about Andy Warhol and the Campbell's soup because I think High Times interviewed Warhol twice in 1976. Is this a complete collection from 75 to 80 or are you missing issues? What are you asking for them? Thanks bro

Tug

Peace out Lizardface

Selling a chiness water dragon 1 and a half years of age. 75 gallon tank with lights and salt/freash water filter.
Comes with stand can be used with fish. Asking $130 for tank. The lizard loves to be held, clime, and swim. Not asking alot for the lizard. Can make a deal or trade for lizard. You can reach me at ***-***-**** text or call. only calls after 3 pm on weekdays. Texts are fine.
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Dear Craig

I'm inquiring about the lizard. Is that a male or female, and how big approx in ounces? I'm looking to mate my male dragon...or possibly fight him with another male. If you're not sure about the gender you can smell between their legs, the boys smell like peanuts, and the ladies just smell like a lizard. Also does that tank come with a filter and stand?
I've attached a picture so you know just where to smell.

Thanks

Tug

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Its a male and why would you have them fight? It has a stand and fliter not sure wat kind of filter just know its for salt/freash water filter. Any other ?s plz call or text me at ***-***-****
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Craig

Excellent...I was really hoping for a male. I'd rather fight him than breed him. So you must have done the smell test to make sure. It smells just like Planter's Peanuts right? I'm also super stoked to hear that there is a stand and "wat fliter" I think those are generally pretty expensive. Now the reason I am emailing you again is because my phone doesn't text or make calls, I can only e-mail from it. I did notice that you forgot to approximate a weight in ounces for me, not to be a stickler, but I really need to know. That way when I'm taking wagers for the fight I'll know what kind of odds to give. You can't believe how happy I am to finally get a fight lined up for my dragon. So please don't sell the little shit to anyone else, e-mail me back with the weight and we are in business. By the way if you can't approximate the weight, then just check with your dealer and borrow his scales, everybody that owns a lizard has a dealer, am I right?

Peace out Lizardface
Tug

The Time Traveling Alchemist

We are currently recruiting for an experienced Welder for a busy, well-established
Springfield, OH Manufacturer.

REQUIREMENTS:
Minimum 3-5 Years on job Welding Experience.
Blueprint reading.
Ability to read instructions from shop packet.
Interpret Weld Symbols
Read Measuring Tape.
Use lift trucks and overhead hoist (will train).
Use Power & Air Tools.
Experience Welding low pressure vessels helpful.
Responsible for doing own set-ups and material handling.
Pass welding test.
High School Diploma or GED.
Safety Shoes/boots & Safety Glasses MUST be worn at all times.
40 Hour work week w/ Overtime as needed.
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Dear Craig

I am writing you to inquire as to the employment opening that you have transcribed on the intraweb site Craigslist. This letter shall serve as both my resume and my letter of intent for said position as an experienced Welder, although I myself am not an experienced Welder, I do still plead with you, Sir, that you will take the time to read my plea and afterward deliberate as to the validity of my concerns, and then I pray that you will take sympathy and show compassion and understanding in my time of distress.
Though I am not a Welder, Sir, I do have a great many skill, that both in labor and that of knowledge and critical thinking. I beg you, Sir, what I am about to divulge in these next few lines, though ludacris as one may find it, is surely and verily the honest truth. I, Sir, am a wayward time traveler. I have been cast through time and space by a sorcerer's enchantment, and though I do possess the skills of magic and science, my attempts to return to my own time have been fruitless and futile. I have succomed to the realization that I most likely shall never return to my time and my Kingdom. I plead, Sir, that I may find myself gainfully employed under your command and in turn I may find compensation through the means of food and shelter. As previously stated, I do possess skills of magic and science, in my time I served the King as his foremost alchemist, studing various metals and attempting to create gold from these less precious stones. I believe that my skills, as such, may very well lend themselves to the trade of a Welder. Please, Sir, take pity in your soul and find yourself swayed by my plight. I do also possess Safety boots and glasses.

Good Tidings
Tug

Dixie Land Delite

Hello there I have a civil war cannon 1/4 scale replica. I paid 3000.00 and trust me this thing is exact down to the barrel. Asking 1000.00 obo. Call text email for pics
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Dear Craig

Why don't you burn it to the ground just like General Sherman did to the beautiful South, you stupid Yankee

Tug

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Who is Craig ?
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Dear Craig

Well I reckon that you are a Craig if you are posting on a List for Craig's ie: Craig's List....and you're also a danged ol Yankee SOB ain'tcha?
And your precious General William Tecumseh Sherman ain't nothing but a pantywaste. Don't you see we're talking state's rights here, you damned Yankee Federalist

Dixie Forever
Tug
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Are you a f***ing nutt case ?
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Craig

I have attached a pic of the Dixie Flag pooping on yer cannon.....so you tell me who's a f***ing nut case?

Tug

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Quit mailing me or I will contact the police

Son of a, Son of a Bitch

2 Jimmy Buffett Concert DVDs - Rare, 1984 & 1985 Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band performing live on dvds:

1984 - Austin City Limits, TX - 1 hour, Pro-Shot - Excellent quality dvd
1985 - Miami, FL - Marine Stadium, 1 hour, Pro-Shot - Excellent quality dvd

Great shows, Jimmy plays all of his familiar hits such as Margaritaville, Cheesburger in Paradise, Fins, Son of a Son of a Sailor, Changes in Latitudes, Come Monday, Volcano, He Went to Paris, and many more.
$8 total, Paypal preferred, money orders & checks ok too.
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Dear Craig

I was just relaxing and keeping it real mellow when I came across your ad for 2 Jimmy Buffett DVDs. I'm in the market for just such a product, and I've just got a few quick questions for ya: Do either of these DVDs contain rare footage of Jimmy Buffett getting mad and punching a waiter? I have heard that this occured and is on film somewhere. Does Jimmy sing that one song of his about smoking weed and eating cheetos on the beach? How much gratuitous nudity is involved? How many Kenny Chesney songs are on this motion picture concert event? Does Kenny Chesney make any sort of guest appearance? Do you have any Kenny Chesney DVDs? Which is more appropriate attire for a luau, a puka shell necklace or a tie dyed sarong? Is it really always 5 o'clock somewhere?
Thanks so much friend I look foward to a speedy response and your answers to these very important questions.

Son of a son of a bitch
Tug Peters

attached you will find a photo of myself in a coconut bra...it's just for fun

Abe Lincat

A portrait of your pet in water colors, Ink or Oils. Over 40 years professional experience in painting all types of domestic and wild animals, architectural renderings, landscapes, even humans. Portraits, illustration, murals, logos, etc. Reasonable rates for exceptional original artwork
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Dear Craig

I have been searching for a way to capture the likeness of my best friend, Barncat Lilly, for some time now. I have sought out numerous artists and they have either refused the job or not returned my phone calls. I assure you that although Barncat Lilly maybe somewhat homely, she is deeply loved and I wish to commerate her life. I have attached a photo. Could you please respond with your rates. I look foward to your reply.

Thank You
Tug

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Well, I have to say it is a rather "unusual" looking cat.  I work in water colors mainly and a head study in 11 x 14 is $250.00 plus shipping and insurance.  I can do a cat slightly smaller than 11 x 14....say 9 x 12 as they are smaller animals and that would go for $200.00.  I would need the photograph sent to me as I cannot print color pictures from this computer.  My home computer is down so I have to use the one here at the library.  I require a minimum 1/2 deposit when you send the photo or photos and the balance plus shipping (I will relate that when I know what size painting you want) when it is done and prior to it being mailed.  The usual turn around time is approximately one week if I have no others before you.  The closer it gets to Christmas the busier I get and the longer it may take.  The mail is slower as well.  I ship Priority and insured for the full amount.  I can mail Express if you prefer and don't mind the additional cost.  You can e-mail your response and I can give you the address to mail the photo and check to if you want to commission the portrait.  I am an equal opportunity artist and would not turn down a loved pet just because it wasn't "pretty".  I will not be back to check my e-mail until Monday.

Sincerely,
Pam **********************************************************************************
Dear Craig

I apologize for the delay in responding to your e-mail...Things have been very hectic around my home due to the Druid Holiday season of winter solstice. I hope this email finds you enjoying a very pagean solstice. I've been staying very true to the Druid belief of a gluten free diet and spending much of my day out of my tunic, feeling free and nude. Praise be to the Earth. How odd that you also use the computers at the library. Our laptop was confiscated during a trumped up investigation last year. Myself and my lover, Hoggy, are conducting our own legal counsel, the wheels of justice turn oh so slow. Long story short, I too use the public library for my correspondence, I have found that it is much harder for Big Brother to follow you as such. In regards to the painting comission of Barncat Lilly, I must say that your prices, while fair, are substantially higher than I had expected. Is there any chance that you might be able to paint a wallet sized photo for 1/2 the price of a 9x12. I kid. I think I would prefer the 11x14. Now is it possible to add lettering and possibly accessories that are not in the pic. I have attached a pic illustrating what I mean. I would be willing to add 10% to the previously agreed upon price. Please let me know.

You Admirer

Tug

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This is not really my "thing"....I have yet to determine if you are serious or if this is just some kind of absurd joke.  I have given you my prices for a legitimate portrait and I have no problem painting "ugly" animals.  However I am not going to get into whatever it is you have going on here.  I am  not interested in continuing this conversation.

respectfully,

PF

Naked Yoda

Enjoy this spiritual experience in the comfort of your own home via skype! With over 15 years of experience in yoga, I would like to offer you this exciting and truly spiritual opportunity of an online nude yoga class. The attractive, slim, and fit female instructor will teach the class entirely nude and participants are encouraged to free themselves as well. Currently, I have openings for private one hour sessions for only $50! Contact Nadia at (***) ***-**** for further information! You must be 18 years old to participate.

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Dear Craig

I am a huge Star Wars fan, so of course your post intrigued me right of the bat. I mean sure, I've often wondered what Yoda might look like nude. Who hasn't thought about that little green Jedi master in the buff, talking his mixed up singsong. Now just so we are clear on this, Yoda will be doing full frontal, right? And no tuck job? So what's the plan, I just download Skypewalker and give you $50 and next thing I know it's green weins and Jedi bush? I can't wait to hear from you

Tug